dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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