I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
i used baking grease as lip gloss
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
