PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
My bad bro. I had no idea that when i suggested our triva team name be my last abortion tickled, that she would bring up cancun. Stay strong i think she really liked you
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
Kay wants to put chicklets in our cooters to make beavers and take pix captioned Got Wood? Taking public transit does scary things to her.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
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