my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
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