Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
Randomize
