You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
