he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
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