you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
Randomize
