he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
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