im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
Ed hardy stationary at walmart. I'm betting snookie wishes she knew how to write
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
