I just googled "semen solvent" and got nothing. there has to be something that will wash this shit off!
I see a marketing opportunity
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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