I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
Randomize
