Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
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