She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
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