it wasn't lemon gatorade
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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