Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Randomize
