I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
Randomize