I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
GO HOME AND LIKE EVERYTHING ON COLT'S FACEBOOK UNTIL 2007.
Wtf it's a Friday night?
PRIORITIZE.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Randomize
