I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
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