I was born with a shot glass in my hand
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
Randomize
