I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
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