i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
Randomize
