Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
Randomize