I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Randomize
