He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Randomize
