I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
