He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
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