dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
And then he peed in my hair
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