Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
The karaoke bar doesnt have electric avenue. Ill just have to pick another song and sing the lyrics to electric avenue
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
Randomize
