i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
Randomize
