Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
Randomize
