I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
my quiz for the book was only 2 questions and my one answer was sorry and then a sad face
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
Randomize
