i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
