Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
Randomize
