i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Randomize
