i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
Who wears a wallet chain?!
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
Randomize
