12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
It's shark week go big or go home
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
