Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
So who won the naked front yard Olympics last night?
Well my tits are spray painted gold & i have what i think r the Olympic rings shaved in my vag !!!!!!!SO its safe to say i won something ....
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
Randomize
