I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
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