I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
