I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
Randomize
