i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
idk if ive ever seen a picture of him on facebook with his pants on
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
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