I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
Randomize
