Marg and I just meaowed the nat anthem. I was tenor.
'm tripping baaaaaaaaaaaaaaas
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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