I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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