so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Randomize
