just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
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