Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Randomize
