Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
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