Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
