i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Randomize
