well I can't set my house on fire every night
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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