A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
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