There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
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