Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
Randomize
