My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
Randomize
