If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
I'm both gender and math confused
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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