I have been thinking about it and I am really glad we decided to order helmets.
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
