You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
You took a bar mat shot.
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Randomize
