im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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