tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
50% drunk capacity currently
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
Randomize
