i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
