Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
Ever since I discovered that youporn works on blackberry, my brickbreaker skills have gone to shit
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
Randomize
