That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
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