can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
She needs sedatives and a leash
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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